CONGRATULATIONS: Pope Leo XIV Just Made a $500 Million Donation to White Sox Fans, Expressing His Love and Support for the Team

In a move that has shocked the world and delighted millions of Chicagoans, Pope Leo XIV announced today a staggering $500 million donation — not to charity, not to a cathedral, but to the most unlikely of recipients: fans of the Chicago White Sox.

Yes, you read that correctly.

At an impromptu press conference held in St. Peter’s Square this morning, the Holy Father, flanked by senior cardinals and a man wearing a vintage Frank Thomas jersey, declared his love for the South Side team and pledged to use a half-billion dollars of Vatican discretionary funds to “uplift and reward the most faithful and long-suffering fans in all of sports.”

“Blessed are the loyal,” Pope Leo XIV said, raising a baseball aloft like a holy relic. “For they shall inherit the postseason.”

The announcement, which was broadcast live and simultaneously translated into 47 languages, stunned the press corps. Moments later, pandemonium erupted across Chicago’s South Side, with fans pouring into the streets, waving team flags, and spontaneously chanting “Pope Leo! Pope Leo!”

A South Side Origin Story

Born in Naples and raised in Milan, Leo XIV (formerly Cardinal Matteo Bellini) shocked Vatican watchers when he revealed during his papal inauguration last year that he had been a White Sox fan since 1993.

“I was just a boy studying abroad in Chicago when I attended my first baseball game,” he recalled in a follow-up interview. “It was cold, and we lost, but the hot dogs were divine, and Frank Thomas was like an archangel of power hitting.”

Since then, the Pontiff has secretly followed the team’s ups and downs, even watching replays during conclave breaks, and reportedly blessing his own White Sox jersey every spring.

Sources inside the Vatican say the Pope’s private quarters are filled with White Sox memorabilia, including a blessed 2005 World Series cap, a signed bat from Paul Konerko, and an ornate rosary made from used baseballs.

A Financial Miracle

According to Vatican finance officials, the $500 million donation comes from a special reserve fund titled “Evangelium Fundus” — originally intended for global evangelization initiatives. Pope Leo XIV, however, reportedly rewrote the allocation to include “any divine expression of joy, including baseball.”

White Sox fans will be eligible for portions of the fund through a Vatican-administered program called Sox Credo. Benefits include free tickets, custom jerseys embroidered with biblical verses, food vouchers, and travel stipends to away games.

Perhaps the most ambitious aspect of the initiative is the “Holy Dugout” project: the construction of a 10,000-seat chapel/stadium hybrid adjacent to Guaranteed Rate Field, complete with a stained-glass scoreboard and communion wafers shaped like baseballs.

Reaction from the Baseball World

Reactions have been swift and emotional.

Former White Sox slugger Frank Thomas, speaking to ESPN, said, “I always thought I was blessed to play in Chicago, but this… this is divine intervention.”

Current team manager Pedro Grifol said the news electrified the clubhouse. “The Pope believes in us. That’s pressure, but also inspiration. We’re going to earn every cent of that blessing.”

Meanwhile, rival fans took to social media in disbelief. Twitter/X exploded with hashtags like #VaticanViolation and #DivineFavoritism. Cubs fans, in particular, were apoplectic, with one posting, “We suffered for 108 years and didn’t get a dime.”

Theological Justification

When asked whether this move risked blurring the line between church and sport, Pope Leo XIV was ready with Scripture.

“Did not Paul say, ‘Run in such a way as to win the prize’?” he quoted from 1 Corinthians 9:24. “We are all athletes in God’s game. But some of us are wearing pinstripes.”

The Pope also cited the concept of “common joy” in Catholic theology — the idea that expressions of communal happiness can be spiritually uplifting.

“When the White Sox win,” he said, “the hearts of millions are lifted. That is not mere fandom. That is fellowship.”

Cardinal O’Flannery of Boston questioned the move, pointing out the Red Sox’s own history of suffering. “We too know the pain of the drought,” he said pointedly. But even he admitted, “It’s hard to argue with papal infallibility.”

Chicago’s Response

Back in the Windy City, White Sox fans rejoiced like never before. Local parishes reported record attendance at morning Mass. Confession lines were out the door, as fans sought spiritual cleansing before what many now see as a divinely sanctioned playoff run.

City Hall announced that May 9 would henceforth be known as “Pope Leo XIV Day.” The mayor proposed renaming the Dan Ryan Expressway the “Divine Line” for one day each year during baseball season.

Local businesses began offering themed deals: “Papal Pitcher Night” at South Loop bars, “Blessed Burgers” at White Sox-themed food trucks, and limited edition communion wine slushies at Guaranteed Rate Field.

Even skeptics admitted the move had put a long-ignored fanbase on the map.

A Heavenly Future?

While some question whether this sets a dangerous precedent — could Cardinals fans now expect divine support based on name alone? — others see it as a bold, joyful act of passion from a Pope who understands the spiritual power of sport.

The Vatican has since confirmed that Pope Leo XIV will throw out the ceremonial first pitch at the White Sox season opener in 2026. Rumors suggest he’s been practicing a knuckleball with assistance from Tim Wakefield’s old coach.

For now, White Sox fans around the world are celebrating, not just for the money, but for the recognition that their loyalty has finally been canonized.

As Pope Leo XIV put it best:
“Faith is not just about sermons and sacraments. Sometimes, it’s about sticking with your team through a 90-loss season — and believing that miracles can still happen.”